A letter to everyone, but mostly to me...

An extremely long rant for you:

I know I'm young, but.....
Sometimes it feels so hopeless trying to cope with life everyday. There are so many struggles to overcome, so many interactions to consider, and so many expectations placed upon it. We have to engage in multiple routines and demands from the people we come across. School, work, family, friends...

Generally, I am pretty complacent when it comes to what school asks of me - it is giving me an education, and in return I am expected to put forth my effort to contribute. But how can I think about homework and assignments when I can't focus because my head is mush and my eyes are wet? I can't even begin to try to read a chapter because my heart is broken. I just want to lay in bed, curled up in a ball and asleep.

What is it about my regrets that make me realize who I am and what I truly want? Things I thought I was okay doing become horrible incidents that I can't fully recount to anybody because I feel so horrible about it. How did I convince myself that something is okay to do when it is clearly not? All situations are different, but I have found myself in my current position before, promising myself it won't happen again. I don't want to sound pathetic, but I am here again, tears streaming down my face, questioning myself and who I am, and wondering what prevents men from truly seeing what my friends say they see.

It isn't as if my whole life is about finding a man, because it isn't. I love my family, my friends, my pets. I like to talk with people and learn new things, and sing along to my music. I like to read and watch movies and laugh and make friends. But we're genetically programmed, on an organic level, to find a compatible mate that can help them feel more like they are supposed to.

Just like any human I am not perfect, but I could be so much worse. If we were to make a list of my faults and my benefits, I could imagine that the list would be pretty favorable, as far as general humanity and the dating world goes. I would make him feel so loved, and would do everything in my power to make him happy. But I guess this isn't something is visible at first glance, nor is it maybe readily obvious. Instead, perhaps people I don't know very well, don't see what makes me good or likeable, and see only my faults.

What is it that people think when they see me or talk to me for the first time? How about an acquaintance that I don't know very well? Is it that they think I'm quiet and rude, dumb and unattractive? Do they know me to enough of a degree to make a truly applicable opinion about my person? Maybe I really am all of those adjectives, and my friends just see me differently - making those personality faults into loveable traits.

This feels so innappropriate - trying to bare my heart on a public blog, giving people the opportunity to read into my every insecurity and unanswered question, and maybe offering people the impression that I'm an unsecured basketcase that cries about every little situation that I come across. I don't want to look like a weakling that can't take care of herself. because I can... just would like someone to catch me if I trip up, someone to lean on if maybe one day it is a bit too much.

I don't want to discount my friends because they have been more than anything I could ever hope to ask for. They were there through my lowest and highest moments; crying with me when I cut myself, giggling with me about a boy, holding me through losses, and there to act like a fool with me while doing one ridiculous thing after the next. But in a way I can't really explain, there is a special person ready to enter into this circle of my friends I've made and become my best friend in a different way.

Someone that knows me in a different way than anybody else, and that will love me regardless. That person will maybe have to give me more chances to make mistakes and will be patient, they will understand my personality quirks, including the ones I can't explain. He'll fall in love with my flaws and my talents, my freckles and tattoos. He won't manipulate me and he'll give me time to figure out what is right, and how we work. When we argue he'll give me a chance to say how I feel without completely discounting my opinion, or feeling as if he is always right.

I know I'm not the only one to feel unhappy or to feel this way. But because it is me that is feeling it, I am forced to feel as if it is this unexplainable raw burn that flares and then simmers in my heart, never extinguishing and always present, burning a hole that gets bigger every day and leaves singed edges that are ultra sensitive to any touch.

Can I ever truly tell you how much I feel, how much I care? I want to be able to see the world for how beautiful it truly is, and I want to give something more it. I don't want to be another bitter lonely human, adding to the broken rhythym of our existence that should be smooth and whole and clear.

I want to be seen inside the crashing blue ocean, the striking jagged edges of glaciers, the lush long grasses in never ending fields, and the burning intensity of the sun. I want to be remembered in eyes full of passion, in rich colors that make you feel warm, in the dimples that make a smile real, in hugs that make you feel loved. In every person I want to be able to see the hope of a child, and the talent of an artist.

I want you to find me in random crannies of your life, reminding you of times we shared when we laughed or cried or learned. I promise I will think of you when I am washing the dishes or walking to class or sitting at work.There are so many things I wish I could say to everybody if I could. I wish I could tell you how I really felt or what really happened. I wish we had a better relationship so things wouldn't be so awkward. Or most of all, I wish that we still talked like we used to.

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." -Hermione, "Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix"

"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you." - Valerie, "V for Vendetta"