Sometimes I feel like I am living in a dream...not necessarily a good one, sometimes life just doesn't feel real. Like one day I'll wake up and my grandpa won't be gone, my cousin's fiance won't have a brain tumor. Maybe I won't even be alone. It is like a veil is drawn over everything and I'm not seeing clearly...something isn't right.
Am I going to wake up one day?

It's interesting how fluid and everchanging life is...one day you're fine and the next you're sick? Alive today...gone next week. Though we make plans and hope for the future, there is nothing that can guarantee that we're going to see it.
My cousin's fiancee (they're set to marry January 30th) had a seizure yesterday. He had a cat scan, and turns out he has a growth on his frontal lobe. Today, probably as I am typing, he is getting an MRI to discover if it is benign. My mother said with his younger age (around 27), it is more likely for it to be benign...plus, with it being on the frontal lobe it is one of the better parts of the brain because of it's resiliency.
However, for my cousin, this must be harder than normal. We lost our grandpa just a week ago and though that was kind of expected, this situation with her fiance came out of nowhere. But that is why I have been thinking about how there are a lot of things we really can't expect, and though we want to think we'll be able to live as long as we want to...we won't always have that chance.
It's all we can do to hope and make our plans. And no matter how hard it can get, it's best to believe we will be able to keep them.

Grandpa

My grandpa passed away this morning. It was peaceful, and he was with at least two of his sons and one daughter-in-law. He was the most loving man I will ever know - loved my grandma with all his heart from the first time he saw her...63 years ago. We lost my grandma two years ago this May, and his heart had been broken ever since. He was a strong, caring grandfather who lived for his family - loving us more than we deserved. I saw him last week, when he was a little better...when I was sitting with him in the early morning, he woke up and told me he loved me, and that I was beautiful. He told me to get married and name my son after him. I am going to miss not having my grandparents meet my future husband, or at my wedding, or see me graduate from college, but I will always carry a part of each around with me.

One of these lyrics will be tattooed somewhere on my person someday....

"Love is watching someone die. So who's gonna watch you die?" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Still my fingers catch at the spark of touching you when you're wounded." - Third Eye Blind
"I'm still trying to forget when you said you loved me." - DeVotchka
"I'm falling asleep, but I'm catching your eyes now. So sleep can wait." - Some By Sea
"And for a moment I love everything that I see and think and feel." - Eve 6
"I love, I have loved, I will love." - I Capture the Castle (not a lyric, but still....a line).
"How long do you wanna be loved? [Is forever enough?]" - Dixie Chicks
"The night is beckoning..." - Eve 6
"No day but today..." - Rent
"Will you take me as I am?" - Joni Mitchell
"It ends where it begins. So hot with love it burns our hands." - Dashboard Confessional
"Vigilante thoughts and a cheap guitar..." - Eve 6
"have i found you?" - Iron & Wine


there were more....there will be more....

conflicted.

I had a lot of dramatic things going through my head, but I can't get them down....

hahahahahaha

I don't look up FML or anything, but my friend Tiny sent this to me and it made me laugh really hard:

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Why do people keep disappointing me? Hate to be seem stereotypical and emo, but it especially seems to be guys. Everything just goes along swimmingly, but all of a sudden things change...and nothing happened? And then the people begin to act differently towards me.
I wish I knew what was making this occur, but since I don't know what happened....I don't know how to evaluate or change this.
It's unfortunate.